afkar

When Allah the Almighty bestows upon someone the blessing of children, He in fact has conferred the best worldly adornment upon him, especially if those children are healthy and lively like all normal children. It is a great pleasure for us to see them grow day by day and we are always eager to observe their every next development.Today, the teeth have appeared, tomorrow they will crawl and soon they will walk and run spreading liveliness everywhere in the house.We then give full rein to our imagination, imagining their weddings and the day when those little children will assume the best offices.Shortly after that, children unexpectedly become noisy and disobedient.These disturbing behaviors are, in fact, very normal and they are even considered signs of the child’s psychological health. What we, the adults, call disruptive behavior such as leaping, running, shouting, scattering toys and the like represent the child’s daily occupation that he enjoys performing without any disturbance.Unfortunately, many parents do not understand the innocent and spontaneous behavior of their children in this way, and therefore, they fail to make use of these patterns of behavior as a means of education; rather, they deal with them in a wrong way, and sometimes these interactions could lead to uncomfortable situations at home. There are numerous instances and circumstances that we can observe in our surroundings, and it is probable that many of us have also had these experiences in our lives.Here are two such common instances of disruptive behavior and the way you should handle themDrawing and writing on walls:Drawing and writing on walls are considered among the chief joys and entertainment of the child, who finds happiness in doing this. However, these actions deface the walls and repulse whoever looks at them. In addition, they require effort in cleaning them or may need money to fix them.Then, what is the solution?Should we beat and rebuke the child?Should we deprive him of this joy and entertainment to protect the walls?Alternatively, should we give full rein to him and leave him write on the walls as he wishes?Punishing the child severely or harmfully may make him hate writing and painting for the rest of his life. So, let us consider a better solution to deal with this. For example, the mother may engage calmly in the following dialogue with the child:Mother: ‘No, son. You should not have drawn on the wall because this makes us unhappy. Take this sketchbook and draw whatever you want in it, and we will hang your paintings on the wall. Isn’t this better?At the same moment, the mother should start cleaning the wall and fulfill her promise to hang the child’s drawings on the wall. Then, she should appreciate her child’s artistic talent and effort, and introduce them proudly to visitors and friends saying, “look at the paintings of our little artist.”Through this compassionate approach, refined treatment and clever encouragement, the child will progress to taste beauty, creativity and excellence. It is also proven method to staighten our child’s behavioral defects.The noise:Dear educator, imagine the following situation: After a long day of work, you home feeling extremely tired and with a strong desire to rest. When you begin to take a rest, you suddenly hear the sound of unruly horses running back and forth in the salon and between the rooms of the house. No! They are not horses; they are the apple of our eyes holding one of the innocent celebrations of childhood. However, what about the indispensable times of rest?If we rebuke the children and beat them, they would only understand that we are trying to deprive them of their natural right to run and jump. On the other hand, if we leave them they will get used to disrespecting the feelings of others (especially the working adults, sick persons, old-age people) who need rest.In this context also, the three questions become relevant as they were raised in the previous scenario.Then, what is the solution?Should we beat and rebuke the child?Should we deprive him of this joy and entertainment to proceed with the relaxation?First of all, the parents should always ask themselves the following questions to tackle these kinds of issues:- If I were in the place of this young child, how would I behave in such a situation?- What would I like to hear from my parents when they guide and direct me?The more parents think this way towards their children, the more they will be able to understand and deal with them. In the light of those two questions, when we need to sleep or just need some rest, we can resolve this ‘noise’ problem with the two following tactis:The first tactic: Try to attract the children’s attention to do other things that they like during these times. For example, encourage them to watch a beneficial movie, play in the house garden, paint in their rooms, and so on.The second tactic: Try to make them choose the correct and disciplined behavior. For example, the mother can say, “Who loves Daddy?” Of course, the children will answer in one voice, “Me!” Then, she says, “Daddy has returned from work and he is tired and needs some rest. The one who loves Daddy the most will remain quiet. What do you think?” I believe the children will answer unanimously, “Ok Mom.”The child will accept these words because they are full of love and do not deprive him of his favorite activity. Moreover, this approach respects the child’s reason and personality and clarifies to him the causes why noise is not acceptable at this particular time.Nevertheless, educators should allow the children to make some noise when playing. That is because the children like loud sounds and become excited while playing, which makes their voices loud. The adults may please the children by playing with them and sharing the noise and loud voices with them.Even the Prophet  the role model of human beings, used to play with the children in their noisy and innocent games.It was narrated that the Prophet  used to line up ‘Abdullah and ‘Ubaydullah and Katheer, sons of Ibn ‘Abbas  all, and then say: “Whoever reaches me first, I will give him such-and-such.” Thus, they would race until they fell on his back and chest and he kissed and embraced them.In this way, we cannot just endure the innocent entertainment of our children; we can even please them by sharing their moments of joy and happiness. In this way, they will love us more and our ability to guide them to what is good will be easier.

When Allah the Almighty created all things and gave them of His bounties, they came to be different from each other. Allah the Almighty mentions that difference in the Quran (what means): {And [We] have raised some of them above others in degrees [of rank]} [Quran 43:32]This excelling may be related to physical skill, depth of knowledge, intellectual efficiency, livelihood resources and means and so on. Allah the Almighty Says about Taloot (Saul - the king of Israel people) in the Quran (what means): {And their prophet said to them, “Indeed, Allah has sent to you Saul as a king.” They said, “How can he have kingship over us while we are more worthy of kingship than him, and he has not been given any measure of wealth?” He said, “Indeed, Allah has chosen him over you and has increased him abundantly in knowledge and stature. And Allah gives His sovereignty to whom He wills. And Allah is All-Encompassing [in favor] and Knowing”} [Quran 2:247]For this reason, Islam addresses people according to their minds and the extent to which they understand. It is narrated on the authority of Ibn Mas‘ood  that he said, “Never do you address a people with anything that is beyond the reach of their minds but that it would be a cause of Fitnah [tribulation] for some of them.” [Imam Muslim]It is further narrated on the authority of ‘Ali  that he said, “Address the people with that which is within their power to grasp: do you wish that Allah the Almighty and His Messenger  should be belied?” [Imam Muslim]The point here is that Islam recognizes individual differences between people, or in other words, recognizes the principle of difference of people’s concerns. What concerns the husband is not necessarily the same as what concerns the wife, and what concerns the children differs from what concerns the head of the family, putting into consideration a basic rule that adjusts those concerns and differences.Since this applies to the entire Muslim community, it also applies to the Muslim family. The interests of the husband differ from those of the wife. For this reason, it is binding upon the guardian of a family to take heed of those differences and not turn them to a point of dispute that causes harm to his life and the lives of those surrounding him.The Prophet  who is the supreme role model, cared about those individual differences, which he clarified and dealt with positively and turned from being a point of dispute into a point of education and enlightenment. In this respect, it is narrated on the authority of Anas  that once, the Prophet  was in the house of one of the Mothers of Believers (this is how the wives of the Prophet  are addressed), when another one of the Mothers of Believers  sent him a bowl full of food. The first wife (the wife in the house where the Prophet  was present), struck the servant's hand who brought the food bowl, thereby making the bowl fall down and break. (According to the majority of Hadeeth reporters except for Imam Al-Bukhari, the first and second wives were 'A'ishah and Umm Salama ). The Prophet  collected the pieces of the bowl together, and went on gathering the food which was in it, while saying: “Your mother became jealous.” Then, he  made the servant stay until he brought a bowl from the one in whose house he was, and gave the intact bowl to the one whose bowl was broken, and kept the broken bowl in its place. [Imam Al-Bukhari]The Prophet  in dealing with that situation, guided us to the best way to deal with one of the women’s individual differences, that is jealousy, which should be dealt with wisely and without giving it much importance.In this way too, the Prophet  paid attention to individual differences when dealing with children. The Prophet  for instance, sometimes carried Al-Hasan and Al-Husayn  during his prayer; Abu Hurayrah  said, “We offered the ‘Ishaa’ prayer with the Messenger of Allah  and whenever he fell in prostration, both Al-Hasan and Al-Husayn  jumped on his back; and whenever he raised his head [from prostration], he took them gently with his hand from behind his back, and placed them on the ground; and whenever he fell in prostration once again, they returned [to jump on his back] until when he finished the prayer, he made them sit on his thighs.” [Imam Ahmad] How happy children are when they do this with their fathers during their prayer!The mistake made by many husbands is that they want the wife and children to cancel these individual differences from their lives and force everyone to share his private desires, inclinations and wishes, harvesting thereby in the household nothing other than distress, and in the community nothing other than estrangement.“Marital life can hardly be established on the basis of likeness.”Marital life is established on affection. Whoever wants to make his children a copy of him does not harvest anything but bitterness and distress. A heedful father who follows the guidance of the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and the righteous predecessors does not turn those individual differences into points of dispute in so much as he wisely turns them into educational and instructive means.Among the examples of individual differences which should be addressed and used as an educational means is that for a lot of women, a pleasant and good word from the husband is better in their sight than many other things. However, unfortunately, the husband might consider saying such words to be awkward, nonsensical, and uncalled for at that stage of their life. Carelessness about this need might leave the wife feeling estranged.Similarly, some children wait for their fathers to surprise them with sweets or toys upon their return home from work. Unfortunately, a lot of fathers forget that, and which causes the children to feel silent disappointment when the father returns home. Also, many children are fond of playing, but their fathers do not appreciate that, which has a negative effect on the way children are brought up.It is pressingly important to give importance to those individual differences, which are necessary to enrich the community with a variety that keeps up with the nature of life.